I fell asleep really early last night watching something on animal planet with Ryan about the Chupacabra. But I ended up waking up really early also because I had a really fucked up dream.

Me, Cetta,  and my cousin Megan were having a party at my house and we invited everyone. We had this book….. it was a book of a night when we were kids where we were doing seances. Calling up the dead and shit. I guess a ton of deep shit happened that night. Like it was a super painful memory or something and it was one of the first times I saw someone since due to circumstances. The person hugged me and told me he missed me but he had to go and couldn’t be around me. but the fucking book kept glowing and every time it did it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body….. and in the end of the dream Megan, Cetta, and I burned the book and we were smoking weed with some friends in my shed..

It was a really really weird dream and it creeped me out. I don’t even know what to think of it.

Other than that my depression seems to be getting better. I didn’t have to go back on any meds thank god. It was probably just the winter blues. The cold can be depressing sometimes.

Ryan was supposed to get his picture taken at school today since he missed the original pictures day. His teacher sent him down there and everything. But instead of getting them taken he LEFT the line because he felt it was “taking too long”. Sometime’s I don’t know what’s up with that kid.

I finished most of my Christmas shopping already!!! All I have left is Justin. I need to start trying to make more money so I can pay them off quickly this year. A lot of the stuff I got from Avon so it wasn’t too expensive.

Time to get Ryan off to school.

Frank The Baptist – If I Speak

If I speak much louder
Will you hear me where you are?
I’ll light that beacon now
I drank enough to drown
What life has offered as a gift
My broken heart can’t swim
I opened up a door
To find out where my heros went
Is my heart like theirs now?
One more lotus on the shore
And we may never sail again
Dream, dream, take me back again
After you there’s nothing left
If I speak much louder
Will you hear me where you are?
I’ll light that beacon now
If I let the pull of yearning
Steal me from this course
You’ll never find mee then
One more lotus on the shore
And we may never sail again
Dream, dream, take me back again
After you there’s nothing left
I drank enough to drown
What life had offered as a gift
My broken heart can’t swim
I pushed aside a world
To find one suitable for us
Just listen and we’re there
One more lotus on the shore
And we may never sail again
Dream, dream, take me back again
After you there’s nothing left

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I seem to have sunken into some horrible state the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like this for years. It angers me to be so pathetic and not able to control my own emotions. It makes me feel like some stupid little teenage girl who can’t handle anything.

"Of Greetings And Goodbyes" – afi
Now ending discreetly, just like a hidden sin,
as I go under please tuck me in.
Make me invisible.
This hidden explosion calls for a wandering cast with no direction.
Enter all monsters let us twist another fairy tale.
Go kill the lights, we’ll glow till morning comes.
I’ll say goodnight and bow to everyone.
Then we go under.
The beauties are sleeping as fruit just rots away.
Today go hungry.
Let it begin.
Make me invincible.
There was a weeping I carried down today, a sigh worth keeping.
Deep within divinity let’s star another secret show.
No need to worry it is just another monster.
No need to fear here in the secret show.
No need to worry I am just another monster.
In you, I’ll see me, in the secret show.

New LJ layout.. http://honey.livejournal.com/ I’m obviously still working on the sidebar.

I’ve kind of been putting off updating this thing. I hate being emo and writing nothing but crap. This was a hard week for me. My back still isn’t better. I need some painkillers, but I don’t think dr’s will give me any and I’m too broke to buy any. I have some money coming in but I have a lot of bills to pay. That and more is already owed.

Ryan missed two days of school this week. The first day I think he was just faking being sick. Today he actually did seem kind of run down though, and he had a temperature. But he’s better so he’s definitely going back tomorrow.

I’ve been fighting with Justin for reasons I don’t even understand. I’m not sure what’s going on there honestly. We just seem to be fighting a lot. And with me feeling as shitty as I’ve been I haven’t been the nicest or most loving person either. So it’s at least partly my fault. I just haven’t felt like talking much honestly. I feel like shit. I can’t play games at the moment because I can’t sit here for long periods of time without getting up and walking around due to my back, and playing games together is usually what we do.

I’ve even been neglecting making money, which isn’t like me at all. I really need to stop that.

I lost a close friend this week also. They aren’t dead, but I guess they may as well be to me. We won’t be speaking again any time soon, if ever. I took it harder than I probably should. There’s just very few people in this world who mean anything at all to me. I don’t take losing them lightly. Especially when they can’t even say goodbye.

I’m just thanking what ever god may be out there for saving Cetta from carbon monoxide.

Beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles
Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary
The ringing of the division bell had begun
Along the long road and on down to the causeway
Do they still LIVE there by the cut
There was a ragged band that followed in our footsteps
Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
With friends surrounded
The nights of wonder
Looking beyond the embers of bridges glowing behind us
To a glimpse of how green it was on the other side
Steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again
Dragged by the force of some inner tide
At a higher altitude with flag unfurled
We reached the dizzy heights of that dreamed up world

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There’s a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we’ve been so many times
The grass was greener
The light was brighter
The taste was sweeter
The nights of wonder
With friends surrounded
The dawn mist glowing
The water flowing
The endless river
Forever and ever
pink floyd – high hopes

I threw out my back again. It’s extremely painful this time. I’ve ben stuck in my room for days being miserable. I need percs badly. On top of that I woke up today with a fever and horrible migraine. Definitely not in the best of moods.

I am too connected to you
To slip away, fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
Considerately killing me and
Considerately killing me.

I Fraction changed and transferred my priest to Magtheridon Alliance on World Of Warcraft. Chris still plays there when he has time. Justin has an 80 Rogue there too. And Ryan likes Alliance better than Horde. My Priest was only level 66 but I managed to get to 68 this weekend. I’m always slow at leveling. At least now I can go to Northrend. Chris even logged on and helped me. He ran me through some instances and gave me some enchants and stuff. He wanted Ryan to play too but my little cousins came over so Ryan was outside. I’ve been talking to Chris a lot again. It’s much nicer than throwing things at him.